caging my inner tiger mom. a little.

Grace loves her dance class. It has been a relief. I got so worked up over this decision. 

The dance world scares me. I never want to put my girl in a position where she is asked, or worse, taught to do inappropriate things with her body. And I never want her to feel bad about the way she is built either. While these things wouldn't necessarily surface in a class of 5-year-old kids, I felt strongly that choosing a studio was putting us on a path. And if dance is something she is going to want to do for a while, I wanted her started off on the right foot... as it were.

There is an excellent classical ballet studio nearby that I was very excited about. Dancers of all shapes and sizes. Impressive productions. Accomplished instructors. But as I went through the registration process I learned that if she was going to participate in any of the recitals she would need to be in a repitoire class in addition to the technique class. I completely accept that talents require serious time commitments, particularly as the student becomes more advanced. Also, I fully expect there to be extra rehearsals leading up to a recital. But just starting out, I worried that two classes a week would be overkill for all of us.

In full freak out mode, I began researching all the dance studios within the radius I was willing to drive. As I had feared, many of the websites featured pictures of young girls deplorably dressed. And I'm not worried about spaghetti strapped leotards here. I'm talking about mid drifts galore, or having a 9-year-olds dressed in knee high socks, plaid mini skirts and white shirts unbuttoned down a few too many. Many of the sites were also littered with information and requests to help fundraise for competition teams. I just wanted someplace safe where she could 1. go to class once a week 2. learn sound dance principals and 3. have the experience of dancing in a recital without being dressed like a hoochie. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I received a recommendation for a new dance studio that is in a great location to us. I looked it up and was impressed. I was told that while the owners are not members of our Church, many of the instructors are, and the music and costumes used in recitals reflect a standard of tastefulness. I called up my friend who was a ballerina for her whole pre-mommy life and we went and checked it out together. The studio is perfect for what we were looking for. Little girls get to be little girls. They follow the classical dress code: black leotards, pink tights, etc. Classes are once a week. Everyone gets to participate in the recital. 

So I signed her up. The hour long ballet classes are only offered for dancers who are 7 and older. I chose a tap, ballet, acrobatics combo class for Gracie. But the Academy of Classical Ballet, the ballet-only studio I mentioned at the start, was still heavy in my brain. Even as I was filling out the paperwork I struggled a little. My internal debate sounded like this:

You want her at the best ballet studio.

Yes, but it feels like it will be too much right now. She just started school, and piano...

She would adjust and get used to things.

Sure, but I want her to have fun and enjoy it too.

What if she wants to stick with this? Wouldn't it be better for her to start out at the best place?

This place is good too. Right?

But what if she is at a disadvantage to her peers because she didn't start at the academy?

I don't know, isn't this stuff a combination of talent and mentality, not just exposure?

Right about here, my ballerina friend, who was happily signing her daughter up for a younger class leaned over and whispered to me, as though she could hear every thought running through my head, "You know, this is the best of everything. If Grace wants to be serious about ballet, you can always transfer studios in a year or two and she would be just fine. But for now, she will be learning and moving and it will be so much fun for her." 

And it has been so much fun for her. She still loves the ballet portion of class, but she is equally excited about tap and over the moon for the tumbling stuff ("Mom, I will finally learn how to do a cartwheel!"). Her class is very small. For the first month it was her and 1 or 2 other girls and two instructors. Now that school is in full swing the class is up to 5 girls with only 1 instructor, but that is still a great ratio. And so, we are happy. We told her when we started with the class that she would need to stick with it through the school year, and that she wouldn't get to do any other extra curriculars. After the Spring recital next year, she can choose if she wants to do dance for another year or try something new. 

I've learned so much from this experience with her. And all these lessons are so obvious. No doubt my eyebrows would be raised in the "no duh!" position were I reading this from someone else. Though these things make eternal sense, I had to fight a few inner demons to put them into practice.

I want her to have the best opportunities and push her because I know she is capable.

But, as my Mama wisely pointed out to me, Grace and I are like-minded. She will always rise to the expectations we give her, for better or worse. And she loves doing everything and puts out quality effort. It is a situation that will serve her well as she gets older, but one of my priorities for her right now is to make sure she keeps an age-appropriate schedule. 

I want her to find the things that she loves and be careful not to push the things that I would love for her. I want her to thrive in the things she is busy with. I want them to build her up mind, body and spirit. She needs to have a clear voice in what these things will be.

Though it always feels like it to me for some reason, the decisions we make right now are not necessarily determining the rest of her life. I drove myself crazy worrying about when to start her in kindergarten, because she was ready to go in early. And then I stressed over which school to put her in, as though the exact place and timing of her first year of school would have some cosmic effect on the person she will become 20 years from now. Similarly, when I went about finding a dance studio for her it was like I was looking for a studio for an 18-year-old prima ballerina Grace to attend. Not 5-year-old Grace who just wants to dance and take a turn on the stage. 

My job right now is to expose her to lots of different experiences so that she can find her talents, all the while keeping a protective eye.

She doesn't need to be in the trenches of a talent at age 5 in order to be good at it when she is older. Without question, the exposure helps. But she will excel at the things she has raw talent for and interest in regardless of the age she begins.

I recently watched an episode of Hulu's "Day in the Life" series about Misty Copeland. She is one of 6 kids raised outside of Manhattan by a single mom. There wasn't much money to go around in her family, but her mom was always working to expose her to the arts. As a pre-teen, Copeland watched the American Ballet Theater's production of Don Quixote. She said to herself, "I can do that. I will do that." And so at 13, she attended her first ballet class. It was in a basketball court and was conducted through the Boy's and Girl's Club. She was dressed in sweats and socks. 4 years later she was dancing with the American Ballet Theater. She is now one of the only african american soloists in ABT history. She said, "I like to say that ballet found me." Isn't this what we all want for our kids? For them to be in a place where their talents are revealed, be it math, or dance, or chess, or bagpipes, or art, or kindness?

When I really boil down this experience, it is clear to me that it was always about more than just dance. I see all the raw pieces of goodness that make up my children. I see the blank canvases of their lives. The potential of it all! I realize my job in guiding the brushstrokes that will paint the pictures of who they will become. The temptation is great to take control and force the developing images. There are things that we as parents are responsible for influencing and enforcing - spiritual development, academic performance, social awareness... And individual family environments splash the background. But the rest of the portrait is better left for each to discover and create. 

Dear Journal

As I was getting Gracie ready for bed the other night, she asked me, "So, mom. How's your work?" This is not an unusual question for her to ask. She asks Cori about his work regularly. The missionaries got a kick when she asked them about 'the work'. It was the first time she had posed the question to me. But I was curious as to her perception of what my work is.

"My work is great. What do you think mommy does for work?"

Without missing a beat her response was, "Wash my feet, and play golf with daddy."

This was really funny to me at first. Surely, this couldn't be what she thinks I do all the time. Was this some little window into her young psyche? Should I be happy that this is how she perceives me?

I think I'd be pretty okay with the answers to either of those questions. Maybe she sees my sole purpose in life as being to serve her. This is fractionally true. I hope she can feel that. And that she sees part of my job as being happy with Cori makes me very happy. I would love for all her memories and impressions of her parents to be so positive.

Of course, her response could have been an indication that she feels creatively squelched by my love for routine and cleanliness. But she's a bit more obsessed with her routines than I am. Or it could be her impression that I feel a part of a mom's job is to leave her children with babysitters to go play away from the house... But she likes to call her babysitters on her pretend phone and will ask me to leave the room so she can speak with them privately. I get the feeling that she doesn't mind my occasional absence.

It is no revelation that kids are highly impressionable. As I have thought about this little dialogue that truth has stayed at the front of my mind. I recently read that 3 is the new 2 and I can believe it. I handle it pretty well throughout the day. But around bedtime it often happens that my patience with her runs razor thin. It has really helped me to realize how much my actions and interactions get noticed by my little girl. The things I do and say are shaping how she sees herself and her environment. I hope that I can ask Grace this question again in 5 or 10 or 15 years and get a similar answer.

Dear Journal

I had an instructive episode with Grace that got me thinking. I was vacuuming and though the vacuum doesn't usually bother her, Grace decided that it was just too loud. She insisted on standing right at my leg, probably where the vacuum was the loudest. She put her fingers in her ears and started yelling that it was too loud. This continued for about a minute until she started crying about it. I turned off the vacuum and told her that she should go play in her room until I was finished. The vacuum wouldn't be as loud in there. Still sniffling and upset, she stomped off to her room. When I finished I could hear her laughing and playing happily on the other side of the house. "Silly girl. What a funny thing to do. Standing behind a vacuum and complaining about it being to loud." Into my mind came all the ways that I show similar folly. How often do I stubbornly plant my feet in my problems, stick my fingers in my ears and cry for someone else to make it better? I know that most of the time, I have the power to make any situation better for myself. Even if my only choice is my attitude, I can still choose happiness over broodiness. It was a timely reminder as things have been a little crazy around here. Thinking about this over the last few days has helped me to smile more, to think of others more, to be a little more patient, and best of all, to be happy.

Dear Journal

A few weeks ago, Jen posted about this great site called Blurb. I was so excited to learn about it. I have never been the best journal keeper. But I have always wished to be. Suddenly, I have a way to turn the little record of our family I've been keeping on the blogosphere into a hard bound book. (By the way, I have tried the site and haven't gotten it to work yet. I have to figure out how to disable all my firewalls and antivirus something-or-others) This has added considerable fire to my blogging efforts. I love doing it, and I hope it will be something our family can enjoy later on. It is the best and most fun journal medium I've ever tried.

To that end, often I have a train of thought or an experience that I would record in a journal but I don't because I don't really have a current journal aside from the blog. Bad, I know. These journal entries might not make the best posts. But they'll be recorded and put in a good place. And my hope is that later on, Gracie and Grant will have not only a pretty good picture of what it was like when they were little, but also how much we love them and how blessed our family has been.

So, I'll be posting some journal entries from time to time. Like I mentioned before, they may not be the best posts to anyone but me and mine... maybe even just to me. But you'll know why I'm doing it.

Dear Journal
It's Monday. I miss Cori. The whole day feels different just knowing that he won't be home tonight. I had made a little schedule for us to follow today and was late getting out of the gates this morning. Grant actually slept through the night last night and we didn't roll out of bed until nearly 8 o'clock. (I'm not really complaining about that.) But before we had even begun the day, the whole plan had to be reworked. Hence, I'm on the computer instead of grocery shopping. We'll go this afternoon.

Schedules. Natalie posts these fun entries she calls A day in the life. As I love taking inspiration (AKA blatantly lifting: ideas for wordless wednesday, and my Sunday posts both inspired by la vie en rose) from her blog, I've tried a couple of times to complete a similar entry. The only things that happen at regular or predictable times around here are meals and naps. The rest of the day, despite my best efforts, is a constant quest to get things done amid a list of unpredictable needs that enevitably have to get taken care of right now. I would have an entry every 15 minutes or less of the next thing. My tasks are rarely begun and completed with out a large interruption. I've had to take two breaks in the writing of this paragraph alone. It won't always be like this. It's hard when there is a baby that is being fed and napped every three hours. Here's the beginning of one 'day in the life' post attempt:

• 6:45 am- Gracie sneaks into our room and over to Cori's side of the bed because he'll lift her in, which he does. Gracie and I snooze together while Cori gets ready.
• 7:00 am- Up and at 'em. I get out of bed and wake Grant to feed him. Cori and Gracie share breakfast before he leaves. Cori and I have a prayer.
• 7:30 am- Eat breakfast and post pictures to the blog while Gracie finishes her yogurt. We talk about the snow and the sunshine outside. Pick up the kitchen from breakfast.
• 8:15 am- Get Gracie dressed and fix her hair. We make her bed together and put away PJ's. Get Grant dressed.
• 8:40am- Chores all done. Gracie goes downstairs to watch Mickey Mouse Club House. Grant goes down for a nap.
• 9:00 am- Get ready for the day. Pack my purse for our little outing.
• 9:40 am- Feed Grant.
• 9:55 am- Load the kids to the car and head out.
• 10:00-10:30 am- Story and Song time with Mr. Ron at the library.
• 10:30-11:00 am- Pick out books for Grace. Find Boy Scout merit badge pamphlet for Cori's mutual activity. Head home.
• 11:20- Lunchtime with Gracie.
• 11:30- Grant down for a nap
• 11:37- Drop Gracie's hot chocolate as I'm pulling out of the microwave.
• 11:37-11:50- Clean up hot chocolate that has made its way onto 3 counter surfaces, 2 dining room chairs, 10 square feet of hardwood floors, and the entire cooktop.
• 12:00 pm- Gracie down for her nap
• 12:00- 1:00pm- The most sacred hour of my day. Both kids asleep! Look up some ideas for Relief Society stuff. Enjoy my afternoon call from Cori. Make some phone calls for Enrichment and for the upcoming temple trip.
• 1:00 pm- Feed Grant

I see why I stopped at 1 PM. Though, writing it all out does make the day seem more productive. And really, I love my daily life. It used to really stress me out. Before having kids I was used to schedules and lists and getting lots done. That changed so drastically when Grace came along. But after a while, there was a lot of predictability back in my life and she and I could have really productive days. Now with Grant, we're back at square one again. But it is great. I love that there are some days where the only thing that gets done around here is the kids. I don't mind it when at the end of the week I still have a task on the list that has been pushed forward from the beginning of the week. It helps that Cori gets it. I think he gets it a little more than I do a lot of the time. We have a happy pace.