the India interview

With our hearts still right out on our sleeves, Cori and I set off to India that Saturday. Sara's husband, Kevin, came to be Mr. Mom while we were away. I prepared a veritable manual for him and we spent Friday afternoon driving all the drop off and pick up routes for school, swim team, soccer, and church. We had zero concerns leaving Kdawg in charge and the children were ecstatic.

For all that, I think I cried all the way to Germany. It was terrible being separated from our littles after the loss we had suffered that week. Bleary eyed and a bit shell shocked, Cori and I arrived in Bangalore early the next Monday morning.

We stayed at a hotel in the Whitefield area that overlooks farm land and coconut groves. Cori had interviews during the daytime hours and I had a full schedule booked with the wife of the employee Cori was interviewing to replace. Cori was also spending any extra time in the morning and in the evening catching up with his current job responsibilities. We were too busy to have time for jet lag and hit the ground running.

I didn't take many pictures. Alyssa took me around to a few different neighborhoods. We toured a couple of the international schools. She took me to the stores where she shops for groceries. I carefully watched how she interacted with her maid, nanny, and driver. I felt like I had as clear a picture as one could hope to have of what it would be like for our family to live there - what my everyday life would be. Our last afternoon there, I connected with Carmen J.- another US expat who is also a member of the church. Her husband is an HR executive for Target and they were just rounding the corner on their first year in India. I went to her house for lunch and Q&A. After spending that time with her, I was completely confident that I would be able to handle life in Bangalore.

Cori's interviews went well and he felt really excited about the position here. Before we left, I was able to get a lot of legwork done on registering the children for school (pictured above). 

We were only there for three days, but India left its mark on us right away. It is impossible to find words to describe the experience of being in this country. It is a complete assault on all the senses. Everything feels, looks, smells, sounds, and tastes foreign and different, even the English that is spoken. Looking out the car window was a view into an entirely unfamiliar world. As we thought about it and talked about it, we realized that we wanted to experience this. We wanted our children to be shaped by it.

Cori and I had taken the matter to the Temple a few weeks before our trip. We were both stunned by how calm we felt about it. We had left the Temple feeling that India was practically an inevitability - something that was just waiting for us. During our time there, with our eyes wide open, we still could not shake the calm. It was an important confirmation to have at the beginning of this great adventure.

Baby Anna J

I mentioned before that this pregnancy was a huge shock to us. It would be more accurate to say that the news shook me straight through. I spent a lot of time on my knees wrapping my head around the reality of what was happening. I felt stretched thin as it was and it was overwhelming to imagine adding a newborn and another postpartum journey to the docket. But it happened. My heart performed a 180* flip. Cori and I were genuinely excited and grateful for the little life preparing to join us. She became completely real to us.

We have learned to approach pregnancy with a high degree of caution. Every successful pregnancy we've had was preceded by miscarriage drama. This time felt different though. From the minute I shared the pregnancy test with Cori, there was a feeling of certainty and inevitability that our family was going to change. We were ready.

The day after the sandwich, I had a regular check up with my OBGYN. The nurse took my stats and I laid down on the table to listen to baby. After several minutes of trying, the nurse was unable to find a heart beat. Dr. McG walked me down the hall for an ultra sound. As soon as the screen flipped up I knew. The room was silent. The picture was still. The baby's measurements suggested she had passed away a couple of days earlier.

My heart was broken. Dr. McG treated me with so much kindness and dignity. We discussed next steps and he walked me out the back of the office so I wouldn't have to traverse the waiting room in my distressed state. I called Cori who left work right away and then picked up Jeffery from my friend's house.

Cori and I put Jeffery down for his nap and spent a quiet and solemn afternoon. Suddenly, we had several unimagined decisions to make. Dr. McG said we could wait for my body to go into labor, or we could induce. I was far enough along that she needed to be delivered. The tricky thing was that we were booked on a flight that Saturday (just 4 days away) to India. And then what? What should we do with her little body? The doctor called and the hospital was able to get us in that night. My sweet sister-friend Kayla came to the house to spend the night with our kiddos and Cori and I checked into the hospital that night.

By the next afternoon, she had been delivered. We had the option of leaving her body with the hospital or taking her with us. We had spent time consulting with our bishop and the church handbooks about what the right course of action would be for her. The answer was that there was no answer. It was up to us. We understood full well that any choice we made for her mortal remains would have no bearing on her eternal journey. We talked about cremation. We talked about burial. We had never talked about any of these things before and it was difficult. The night we spent in the hospital, I laid awake for hours thinking about her. When the sun came up that next morning, there was no way I was leaving her behind. It turns out that it is rather expensive to bury a baby, no matter what the size of her little body. It was a process that stretched into the end of June when we were able to bury her in Nevada next to my great grandmother. I understand why there are many couples in our position who choose not to bury. But I am so grateful it worked out for us to do this one thing for her and for us to mark her brief mortal time with our family.

We named her Anna Jesse. Her name has been added to our family record. She is designated as a stillborn baby which means that temple work etc. need not be done for her. We think of her often and I am increasingly grateful for the promise of eternal families. There were so many moments of peace and glimpses of heaven as we went through all this. For all that, I had many, many nights afterwords that I grieved the loss of her. We had some lovely things given to us at the hospital and afterwords: a birth card with Anna's foot prints, a gold ring, a tiny handmade afghan that she rested on in our hospital room, and a bracelet from my SIL Megan that has initial stamps for all 5 children. I would love to have more answers about the heavenly plan for these babies who never draw breath. I look at this bracelet and can't help but think of the other pregnancies we lost. It is enough for me now though to trust in Heavenly Father's plan and to look forward to our family being all together one day.

---foreshadow---

The date was Monday, April 13. My sweet friend Stephanie wanted to catch up over lunch and offered to bring Subway to my house so we could have a proper visit while Jeffery was napping. I had just about hit the half-way mark in our pregnancy and felt like I had finally rounded the corner. My nausea, which had been fierce and ever present, had just started to let up and I had a bit of energy to spare. 

We were already laughing as we divied up the sandwich. Steph was moving the plates from the kitchen island into the dining room and I turned to grab our glasses of water. In about 2 seconds, through a course of action neither of us could describe, both plates went flying through the air. And then there it was. Our spicy itallian splayed across the kitchen floor.

I'm not one to read into things. While I firmly believe that God is found in the many details of our lives, I also believe that some things are just coincidences, or consequence of natural law (like gravity). But if I were to ever write a book about the things that would happen in our family over the course of 2015 -- and more specifically, over the next 5ish months from this date, I would start the narrative with this sandwich. An entire course of life can be changed in moments.

The most important part of the sandwich story would be that Steph and I, respectively a confirmed, self proclaimed germaphobe, and a pregnant lady whose tummy had been turning over at the sight of most food, scooped that sandwich off the floor. We reassembled it on our plates. We ate every bite. And it was delicious. (And this picture still makes us so happy). As I write about the next chapter of our family life, retrospectively sitting safe and secure on the other side of the calendar in 2016, I have made the conscious decision to remember our experiences this way: One of the great miracles of the Gospel is seeing what the Savior can make from our broken pieces. 

easter festivities, bluebonnets and conference weekend

The first weekend in April was perfection for our little family. Cori had good Friday off work for the first time in his career. It was our good fortune that the blue bonnets were up that weekend. It was a drizzly day, but we managed a few pictures before the skies opened up. And no trip out to the blue bonnets is complete without a stop at the BlueBell Factory for some dollar scoops.

The night before, we had our annual Jerusalem dinner. Fish, lentil soup, and flat bread.

We also hit the drive in movie. We took two cars so that I could take my pregnant self and the littles home after the first feature. Cori and Grace stayed late to watch Cinderella a second time. :)

Our sweet friends down the road hosted a brunch and Easter egg hunt for the neighborhood on Saturday morning.

And then, later that night, we finally died our eggs.

Grace and Grant caught a little snake in our bushes. Eeeeeek!

 AND, I cooked real food for the first time in 4th months.

The rest of the weekend was spent in a blanket nest watching conference. The best!