The Grand RV Tour: Gville

After our happy days in Idaho, we made a straight shot drive down to my parents' home in Nevada. We left on a Sunday morning and had arrangements made to bury our baby Anna in Gardnerville the next day. Time was of the essence. Our worst fears and frustrations were realized when we had a tire explode when we were nearly 3 hours from our destination. Again, we sat around waiting on the rental company to honor their responsibility to us. They insisted we use the spare tire. But none of the tools were in the unit to access and change the tire. They then remembered that they don't keep the tools in the unit to prevent accidents and liability issues (changing a tire on a huge RV is a little different than changing a tire on a regular car). So after an hour of phone calls and waiting, we finally had some roadside assistance arrive. He accessed the spare and told us that he could not in good conscience put that tire on the RV. It was in worse shape than the tire that had blown. So after another hour of back and forth phone calls, the rental company finally authorized purchase of a new tire. Shortly after that, we were on the road again.

The kids were pretty patient. Cori's sister Brittany and her family were traveling down with us to be with us for the burial. They were a huge help. They were able to take Grace, Grant and Eden and continue on so as not to get in too late that night.

Cori, Jeffers and I were three hours behind them. The rental company insisted we bring the blown tire back with us. They needed it in order to claim insurance reimbursement. It would not fit in any of the outside compartments. The only place we could keep it a little out of the way was in the shower.  So for the next week we hauled the smelly thing around with us like a member of the family.

Anna's burial was very simple. Cori and I went to the cemetery early to finalize details for her headstone. The rest of our sweet family contingent arrived at the predetermined time with our kiddos in tow. Cori spoke, mostly to the children, and offered a prayer. I spent many hours of our drive thinking of the words I could say to articulate my mama heart. Sitting there, I couldn't do it. I was grateful that Cori's words were enough.

Anna's little casket was so small that the traditional methods for lowering her into the grave were not applicable. There was a ladder that had been placed in the grave. It is a double site, and so the bottom of the chamber is over six feet down. Cori carried her casket down the ladder and we all tossed flowers down to wish her well until we see her again.

That afternoon we hung out at my parents' house. Sadly, they were out of town the couple of days we were there. My sisters were there and we were so grateful for their support. Sara and Kevin came over from UT, and Thea was a huge help with the 8 kids running around.

Later in the afternoon, we took a family walk to remember Anna. We plan to do this every year on her burial date. Her time with us was so brief and has felt incomplete to our mortal hearts. Our family was improved by the expectation of her. And our faith has grown as we look forward to being with her again. We don't want to forget.

We had researched a few local hikes, but there was a large fire burning that had closed the necessary road, and as the afternoon wore on, we didn't want the hassle of driving out anywhere. So we did a loop around my parents' neighborhood.

We finished the day off with a Basque dinner at JT's. Gardnerville tradition at its best.

Our children were so thrilled for another couple of days with their cousins.

Baby Anna J

I mentioned before that this pregnancy was a huge shock to us. It would be more accurate to say that the news shook me straight through. I spent a lot of time on my knees wrapping my head around the reality of what was happening. I felt stretched thin as it was and it was overwhelming to imagine adding a newborn and another postpartum journey to the docket. But it happened. My heart performed a 180* flip. Cori and I were genuinely excited and grateful for the little life preparing to join us. She became completely real to us.

We have learned to approach pregnancy with a high degree of caution. Every successful pregnancy we've had was preceded by miscarriage drama. This time felt different though. From the minute I shared the pregnancy test with Cori, there was a feeling of certainty and inevitability that our family was going to change. We were ready.

The day after the sandwich, I had a regular check up with my OBGYN. The nurse took my stats and I laid down on the table to listen to baby. After several minutes of trying, the nurse was unable to find a heart beat. Dr. McG walked me down the hall for an ultra sound. As soon as the screen flipped up I knew. The room was silent. The picture was still. The baby's measurements suggested she had passed away a couple of days earlier.

My heart was broken. Dr. McG treated me with so much kindness and dignity. We discussed next steps and he walked me out the back of the office so I wouldn't have to traverse the waiting room in my distressed state. I called Cori who left work right away and then picked up Jeffery from my friend's house.

Cori and I put Jeffery down for his nap and spent a quiet and solemn afternoon. Suddenly, we had several unimagined decisions to make. Dr. McG said we could wait for my body to go into labor, or we could induce. I was far enough along that she needed to be delivered. The tricky thing was that we were booked on a flight that Saturday (just 4 days away) to India. And then what? What should we do with her little body? The doctor called and the hospital was able to get us in that night. My sweet sister-friend Kayla came to the house to spend the night with our kiddos and Cori and I checked into the hospital that night.

By the next afternoon, she had been delivered. We had the option of leaving her body with the hospital or taking her with us. We had spent time consulting with our bishop and the church handbooks about what the right course of action would be for her. The answer was that there was no answer. It was up to us. We understood full well that any choice we made for her mortal remains would have no bearing on her eternal journey. We talked about cremation. We talked about burial. We had never talked about any of these things before and it was difficult. The night we spent in the hospital, I laid awake for hours thinking about her. When the sun came up that next morning, there was no way I was leaving her behind. It turns out that it is rather expensive to bury a baby, no matter what the size of her little body. It was a process that stretched into the end of June when we were able to bury her in Nevada next to my great grandmother. I understand why there are many couples in our position who choose not to bury. But I am so grateful it worked out for us to do this one thing for her and for us to mark her brief mortal time with our family.

We named her Anna Jesse. Her name has been added to our family record. She is designated as a stillborn baby which means that temple work etc. need not be done for her. We think of her often and I am increasingly grateful for the promise of eternal families. There were so many moments of peace and glimpses of heaven as we went through all this. For all that, I had many, many nights afterwords that I grieved the loss of her. We had some lovely things given to us at the hospital and afterwords: a birth card with Anna's foot prints, a gold ring, a tiny handmade afghan that she rested on in our hospital room, and a bracelet from my SIL Megan that has initial stamps for all 5 children. I would love to have more answers about the heavenly plan for these babies who never draw breath. I look at this bracelet and can't help but think of the other pregnancies we lost. It is enough for me now though to trust in Heavenly Father's plan and to look forward to our family being all together one day.